I was but sixteen tender years old.
My mother, who was my support, my security,
got lost in the darkness of her mind.
My mother went to work one day,
but the woman who returned was not the same.
She hid away in the bathroom.
Foil and tape hiding her from life.
"Don't answer the phone - "they" are listening."
"They shop lift from only me."
"They follow me and want to hurt me."
"They read my mail."
And so, she left.
She flew far away.
Eight seasons would go by
until her return.
Her brother carried her back on broken wings.
Would she fly again?
Could she fly again?
Most importantly, did she want to fly again?
And then, I ran away from her.
I had to go.
I could not look at her pain, her fear, her sadness,
her insanity.
I missed her all those years
She was always in my heart,
but I had to build up my judge,
my guard.
I am sure she felt it,
and for that I will always be sorry.
I didn't
know how else to survive.
Once, a man came, that I did not know.
An expert of the mind.
We sat in the dark living room,
windows taped over still.
"Do you understand?" he asked
"Do you have any questions?"
Her, an empty shell of a woman,
smoking. Always smoking...
He said this woman before us
was our mother.
Is she our mother?
I was not so sure.
Who was this empty woman,
sitting so small?
Sitting in the old rickety rocking chair
that none of us ever sat in before.
Can I trust her?
Will she take care of me?
Can she love me?
Does she really know me?
Do I know her...
I am afraid of this woman, who claims to be my mother.
Her illness brings up terrifying feelings.
I want away from these feelings.
I want away from her.
This man of the mind.
I do not like him.
He asks if I have questions.
Questions...
Are you kidding I scream in my head!
I am full of them.
I have these awful feelings, feelings I cannot name.
Things I need to say...
My mother left for two years.
Returns as a ghost.
And the man of the mind, wants to know...
Do I have any questions, feelings I cannot name?
What an idiot!, I think to myself.
Of course I do!
But...
I am 18, my sister 17, my brothers 20 and 13.
What does an 18 year old say
who has been taught, that every thing is fine?
She says nothing...
absolutely nothing.
The man of the mind says,
"That is wonderful children."
and he leaves us alone
with a woman...
A woman, he says is our mom.
